Crime Expert BURL BARER. Edgar Award Winner and NYT Bestselling Author

SINGLE WHITE FEMALE 2/ dominion: the prequel

If you're like me --and may God help you if you are -- you've been eagerly awaiting SINGLE WHITE FEMALE 2 (The Psycho).  This is not to imply that the first SINGLE WHITE FEMALE was NOT a psycho, but rather that this one is REALLY REALLY psycho. 

I wasn't expecting much from this sequel =--after all, with the exceptions of Godfather ii and Friday the 13th, Part II, sequels are seldom better than the original.  Robert DeNiro isn't in SWF2, which is surprising considering the crap he's been in lately, but SWF2 is BETTER than GODSEND -- Surviving Gilligan's Island was better than GODSEND. At least the ending of SGI made sense. The damn thing was OVER.

The coolest thing about SWF2 is the dark haired girl (IE slut) who gets MURDERED by our PSYCHO. Her real name is Brook Burns. She used to be on Baywatch, so you know her credentials are impeccable. Then again, my nephew Lee and his partner used to write and, i think, produce Baywatch for a while. Maybe Lee worked with this hottie. She looks like a real hand full. And she is subtle --  just check out this unassuming unnatural pose from her younger days.There are lots of pics like this in SWF2..except they MOVE.  Yep, this is really an important sequel

But the real important sequel has to be Dominion, the prequel which is the Exorcist movie that takes place before Exorcist: The Beginning.

Standing in the video store, i had to read the director credits on the back of the box to make sure it wasn't the exact same film, because it has the exact same plot. Nope, different director and in this one, the woman who works with our semi-defrocked traumatized by the Nazis priest is a death camp survivor --they KISS and she helps him try to baptize the devil -- go figure. At least in the other one, he got to have sex with the shiksa who taunted him once she was possessed...all the Jewish girl did was walk around with a knife to her throat as if she were searching for misplaced challah.

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REMEMBER RADIO?

My career -- such as it is -- began in a black widow spider infested shack not far from the cemetery in Walla Walla, Washington.  I was also raised in a cane break by an old momma lion. KTEL radio's transmitter building is the lovely arachnid sanctuary to which I refer, and yes, I did sit there with a pellet rifle and shoot the spiders on the wall. It is amazing what we took for granted in broadcasting. For example, we took for granted that a rack of Scully tape machines would never replace live radio personalities. We were right. Satellites did what Scullys only attempted.

KTEL, the mighty 1490, had 250 watts of power. I have hair dryers with more power than that, and we typed our program logs as we went along, entering the start and stop time of every commercial.

We had local rock stars in Walla Walla -- among them Jeff Hawks of Hawk and the Randellas. When Paul Revere and the Raiders played to 11 people at the Natatorium Roller Rink, Hawk had over 700 at the VFW hall. He was a star. I saw Jeff the other day. He looks great, and no different than he did forty years ago -- except he looks more mature. He gave me the world's best haircut, honest. I mean that guy can cut hair as good as Craig Tarwater plays guitar, and that's saying something.  Yeah, small world after all.  Jeff left Walla Wall back in the mid 1960's for short term fame on ABC TV  with DON AND THE GOODTIMES and national tours.

Now he is a famed hair stylist here in "Hollywood." No, he's not gay. He was, however, in a good mood.  I have the distinction of having played his first ever record on KTEL back in probably 1963 or 64.

MY FRIEND LINDA SHOULD STAY HOME

My friend Linda should stay home -- her nightlife adventures are turning ugly. First, she went to a country western bar where some guy who should have been searching for Curley's Gold asked her if she were a transvestite. She's not. Then he asked her if she were a hooker. She's not. Apparently, those were the two items on his agenda, and she didn't meet the requirements. Then, Saturday night, her daughter and she went to hear some live band and shake a tail feather. Sadly, while Linda was rocking (or line dancing, I didn't ask), she was leaped upon by an aggressive woman of same-sex proclivities who, when politely rebuffed, became insulted and enraged. Linda had to lock herself in the car while her daughter rumbled with the fisticuffian hottie in the parking lot. While Linda cowered under the tilt steering wheel, her daughter and the Lezbionic Woman circled each other snapping their fingers and leaping about like an off Broadway production of West Side Story. Some people lead exciting lives.

I've done my best to bring high quality interaction to Linda's life by re-writing her Yahoo Personals profile. She wasn't getting the type of response she deserved, being as she is attractive, intelligent, witty, and can carry a cord of wood, drive a pickup, and probably has a bowling average of 259. So i wrote a new headline: ORAL STIMULATION ASSURED.  This referred to her conversational skills, of course. And as she was tired of men talking about their cars, I put in a line about putting an E on the end of CAR....and you know what, yes, more men than ever are telling her about their Broncos, Jaguars, Beemers, etc. I consoled her by telling her that her new profile is a also an intelligence test -- if men talk about their car, they fail.

So, just so you know -- if you meet a good looking, intelligent,  personable, high scoring bowler with a quick wit and a pickup truck, she is NOT a transvestite line dancing hooker, OK?  Besides, she has daughters who will beat the tar out of you in a heartbeat.

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AMERICA LOVED IT!!!!

SURVIVING GILLIGAN'S ISLAND  is out on DVD and I just couldn't resist renting it, watching it, and hating myself in the morning. Well, I hated myself about 30 minutes after the DVD started running, forgave myself after 45 minutes, and solaced myself the following day with this troubling fact:

After 37 years, TV's original and most loved castaways returned home to CBS where their original three-hour tour began. Bob, Dawn, Russell and  a whole new group of castaways gave fans this behind-the-scenes look at their years as America's favorite survivors.

America, made the show a hit, the highest rated TV movie in two years! 

I repeat:

America, made the show a hit, the highest rated TV movie in two years! 

Okay i give up. Beat me. Then again, I'm still upset that I missed (a) the LaVern and Shirley Reunnion, and (B) the final episode of Howdy Doody.  Are THOSE on video??

Now if you will pardon me, I must go jump a shark.

How Come They Got Old?

I showed up at Andy's Diner for the Jerry Kaye Memorial Wake -- wandered around peeking into railroad cars looking for "my group" -- all i saw was a room full of old men. I kept looking. Went back and double checked -- my group was the old men. NO FAIR!!!  How did these dynamic radio personalities become dynamic old men? These guys are STILL too dangerous for uptight radio, too clever for positioning liners. Big Jim Martin was there, as was Tom Murphy, Lan Roberts, Dick Curtis, John Maynard, Steve West, Lee Perkins, Buzz Barr, Pat O'Day, Danny Holiday,  the list goes on and on and on...you know them all if you listened to great radio in Seattle in the 60's or even 70's or defying all logic...80's 90's ...and hold onto your credulity -- JOHN MAYNARD STILL HAS A GIG!  No one can figure this one out -- a guy who can adlib is actually employed in broadcasting, not on Satellite, or delivered via barter? Call IN SEARCH OF....Bwahna  Johnny (father duffy) famed for getting hit by a train and returning me to full time at KJR in April of 74 (?) is in a home for old radio heroes on Mercer Island...I didnt get to go see him cuz I had a dream date with my 93 year old mom, but several of the other guys went to visit him. Here is a picture.Download bwana_pic_10_5_051_2.jpg

See if you can guess which one is Bwahna, and which one is Dick Curtis. Hint: Dick doesn't weigh as much, and never did. It is 10:52pm on Friday night -- my ride to the airport will be here at 5am. I'm waiting up for Stan to get home so I can ask to borrow a small suitcase...the zipper on mine just broke for the last time!

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THE DOG WHISPERER

The Dog Whisperer is a "reality" TV show where this really cool guy, Cesar, comes to your house and explains that the reason your dog misbehaves is because you are an idiot. Well, he is far more polite than that, but the essence of the message is harsh but true -- the best fed most loved animals in the world are in the USA -- and they are also the most emotionally untable and screwed up animals in the world because they live with humans who are not all that adept at mastering human behavior, let alone animal behavior.

We're talking about people who name inanimate objects, such as boats, motorcycles, etc and who talk to their pets as if the pets mastered English as a second language. They didn't. Dog's do NOT think they are human. They don't have identity issues of self- concept in a multi-species environment. Anyone who says "My dog thinks she's a person" is really saying "I have all the brains of a piece of used kleenex, and my dog, as a result is neurotic confused, and no matter how many times I say "Please Baby Snookums, don't defecate in my hatbox, the loveable pooch does it anyway."

First of all, the dog doesnt understand a single word. Even NO yelled at the top of your lungs doesnt mean muich when you use it all the time for a variety of issues -- jumping on guests, humping your guests, whatever.

My friend Judi Faye and I had Cesar come to Judi's house and tell us we were idiots today. He was soooo coool. You see, Judi has a dog and I have a dog and the dogs attack each other. In ten minutes, Cesar had them walking side by side, shooting pool, and the biggest fight they had was over the remote control. OK exaggeration -- they don't shoot pool.

Dogs are pack animals. Once it was established that they were inthe same pack with the same leader, they fell in line. We gave them subtle hints --- a jab to the ribs, a right cross to the jaw, etc - brought them in line real fast.

Now, if we practice the techniques Cesar taught us, we will have these dogs sniffing happily at each others' reproductive organs in no time. The whole thing will be on TV soon -- I'll let you know when. I must have a happy party for the dogs on that day, with costumes and snacks and photos...it means so much to them you know. Yes, dog memories are made of photo opportunities for their owners! If you believe that, you need a session with the Dog Whisperer too.

***** THE DOG WHISPERER***********************

This series goes into the homes of problem dogs and their frustrated owners, and documents the remarkable transitions that take place under the guidance and teaching of Cesar Millan.

IT's TRUE -- we were frustrated

MARIACHI MADNESS

When I escaped Las Vegas on November 3rd, 2004 i left behind my posessions  in the custody of some casual acquaintences who assured me of security. In the next 30 days, the apartment was violated by thugs with a chainsaw, the residents evicted, and my property stolen -- except for a few items of no significant value to theives, and a few of value they didn't notice.  At the end of December I returned to Vegas and, by an act of God, Fate, Happenstance or intervention by Tinkerbell, I retrieved those items -- my gold records, writing awards, childhood photographs, and my dog. My computers, all backup disks, and almost two years worth of research interviews (audio) were gone. I stuffed everything into a storage locker on Venice blvd in Los Angeles until today when I yanked it out and moved it to my apartment here in Santa Monica.  What have I got? Remnants of lost projects, fragments of fractured fruitless relationships, false assurances from the landlord at the Palms apartments that they would fix the leak, my front door lock, etc. They never fixed the leak, and never fixed my door lock until I moved out. One day after I vacated the unit, they sold the furniture I couldnt fit into the little truck that I borrowed to move my stuff.  and they actually delivered it to someone at another apartment building.  So much for Las Vegas.

Everymorning at 4am the fellow who lived down the road came home from work, his radio blasting Mariachi music. I had no car, so he parked in front of my apartment. The neighbors complained. They thought it was me. I received a threatening note from mgmt about my Mariachi music and my loud car. I didn't own a car, and I don't play Mariachi music. I visited the neighbors and got this straightened out. No matter. I was evicted as a "public nuisance" due to the noise of my car, the Mariachi music, and all the complaints. I had garnered written apologies from the neighbors, and assurances that they now understood that I was not the offender. Too late. 

I found the letters from the neighbors today -- "Mr Barer has never caused any problem for any of us, and we deeply regret the misunderstanding. I was his next door neighbor for seven months and found him peaceful and pleasant."

I was just informed by a collection agency that the apartment wants $1600 from me. I didn't owe them a cent when I moved out, so why do I owe them money now? Must be because of the Mariachi music.

Suggestions welcome.