Crime Expert BURL BARER. Edgar Award Winner and NYT Bestselling Author

BROKEN DOLL REVIEWS

My book, BROKEN DOLL, recently received two mind numbing reviews, both of which were posted on Amazon.com -- one negative, the other positive.

Not For a Parent of a Young Child, November 9, 2005 My recommendation to other readers is that this book is not worth reading. The crime that this book talks about is too horrific of a crime that will turn your stomach, make you sick, and paranoid of your family friends.

Broken Doll, November 9, 2005 Reviewer: a reader - See all my reviews I thought the book "Broken Doll" by Burl Barer was an excellent book. It kept me reading. I like this book because it showed justice. The man who committed the crime of raping and beating an innocent little girl was put to justice. He was  sentenced to the death penalty, and life in the Washington state penetration. THIS IS A GOOD BOOK IF YOU LIKE BOOKS ABOUT RAPE VICTIMS!

The Washington State Penetration?  I don't think that was a typo.

ELECTRIC MENORAH

This holiday season, I chanted the traditional Hebrew prayer for the lighting of the Hanukah candles as I screwed in the bulbs on the ELECTRIC MENORAH!!!  What Jew invented this absurd device?
Yes, you screw in each bulb as the nights go on --- no messy wax...but what do you do on Friday night if you are orthodox? You cant turn the damn thing on!!
Blessed art Thou, O Lord our God, King of the Universe, who commanded us to screw in the bulbs of Hanukah!
Somehow, it just doesn't seem the same.
There is more than one Electric Menorah available -- I kid you not. There are a plethora of plastic menorahs available online so you too can enjoy the holiday tradition of SCREWING IN LIGHT BULBS as you pray. This is like having a catalytic converter for your Amish Station Wagon.
While not as clever as inserting bacon fat in your matzoh balls to give them that extra flavor, electric menorahs bring a 21st Century absurdity to a Jewish holiday that has been of great significance ever since the 20th Century.  Yes, it was always a minor holiday, but as it celebrates freedom of religion and the outpouring of light, and happens to occur near Christmas, it gives Jewish families something to celebrate during "the season" -- thank God Purim didn't arrive in December. Imagine the fun anti-Semites would have with Jews celebrating beheadings as party entertainment during a time of Holiday parties! Okay,that isn't the essence of the story, but it is how it ends.  Passover has its own problems --- my Nana hired a neighbor gentile girl to help in the kitchen one year. When the girl found out it was Passover, she dropped to her knees and begged my Nana not to kill her! She "knew" Jews needed the blood of a virgin to make Matzoh, and she now figured that maybe she should have let that Italian boy have his way with her at Homecoming after all!
Nana sent her home -- the girl forever grateful that the Jews spared her life that Passover. Hell, we didn't need the blood of a Shiksa to make our Matzoh -- we just needed bacon fat for the Matzon balls!
Of course, as a Baha'i, I have no Baha'i holidays to celebrate in December. God apparently figured the calender was already clogged this time of year, so the big Baha'i festival is in April. We do have a gift giving holiday at the end of February -- so if you missed giving me a wonderful gift this Xmas/Hanukah, you can still impress me at the end of February with your generosity.
And no, I won't be using an Electric Menorah.

This Holiday Season, I'm taking a break from looking at nude pics of Paris Hilton, Bea Arthur, and Ted Kopel, to ponder the behavior of American's most daring criminals:

Nashville police and residents were searching Monday for clues to the Christmas Day theft of a cinnamon bun that found unlikely fame for its resemblance to the late Mother Teresa’s face.

The bun has been a draw for curious tourists since it was preserved and put on display in a glass case at the shop where it was discovered by a customer in 1996.

“What I can’t figure out is why anyone would steal it,” said the shop’s owner, Bob Bernstein. “They can’t sell it on eBay, it’s not fit to eat, there was no ransom note and the police put its value at only $25 on their report.”

Really -- what is the crook going to do with that stale cinnamon bun? 

KING KONG NEEDS ORKIN

Orbitz, Travelzoo, and Expedia thankfully omit Skull Island from their Vacation Getaway specials. Not that I don't enjoy encountering indiginous cultures, unique local customs, and exotic life forms, but Skull Island has some severe pest problems.  I know this because I saw the recent remake of KING KONG and believe you me, Skull Island  makes the old KTEL RADIO black widow spider infested transmitter building look like Club Med.   You would think the situation would have improved since 1933 when they shot the original feature on this remote island, shrouded in fog, and crawling with prehistoric life forms and one really big gorilla.  Nope. Today, the place is even worse!

INSECTS the size of Volkswagens! YUK. BATS the size of ...well...GIANT BATS!  Back in 1933 the local natives had colorful rituals where they danced around in furry ape costumes before sacrificing some shiksa, but the pest problem has become so bad that no one is dancing, leaping, celebrating, or even bothering to make spears. Nope -- the natives all have really bad hair, hide in caves, and roll their eyes back in their heads as if auditioning for A ZOMBIE WALKS AMONG US. 

Back in the old days, there was a GIANT DOOR with a GIANT DEAD BOLT between the coastal village and the nasty life forms on Skull Island. Forget the GIANT DOOR. Forget the GIANT DEADBOLT. Forget the iconic image of KONG breaking open the GIANT DOOR! Nope -- the pissed off ape just kicks in the wall and beats up the movie crew. Where are the hundreds of natives eager to defend thier homes? NOWHERE! Well, they are all in their caves rolling their eyes and trying to figure out what the hell to do with their hair.   When I saw the slimy, bad hair day, semi-whispering natives with inexplicable mucous and really severe vision problems, I yelled out "YOU ARE IN THE WRONG MOVIE"  They paid no attention, of course, as they were busy doing NOTHING. These are the same bold and daring tribal people who built the giant wall? The same clever natives who bravely battled KONG in days of yore?  Hell no! These were lazy-ass drugged out nose-boned losers who were a discredit to their ancestors.  Well, as you can tell, I prefered the OLD WALL and the OLD NATIVES. The new KONG is great -- as in great big and well made. And it isnt Rick Baker in an ape suit either.  Peter Jackson decided to make a few "improvements" on the old version -- such as adding MORE CRITTERS. MORE DINOSAURS...except no teradactyle!!  He replaced that thing with a bunch of BATS. Oh, the snake? Forget the snake. No snake. GIANT SPIDERS? YES! GIANT INSECTS? YES.  MORE THAN TWO GILLA MONSTERS, MORE THAN ONE T-REX, a herd of fat brontesaurus...BIPLANES? Yes, and I must admit the film making in the climax is fantastic.  Except this stupid-ass descendant of the natives was sitting in the same row of the theater as I, and he got up SEVEN TIMES during the film to stick his ass in my face.  On the seventh afront, I lost it. Yes, I lost it. I slammed my foot against the seat in front of me,m blocking his ability to walk in front of me again (the other end of the aisle was open, and he could have gone that way instead) and yelled "SIT THE F**K DOWN AND SHUT THE F**K UP!"

Ok, i'm not polite when some drunk interfers with my movie going pleasure.  He went nuts and called me a "rude motherfucker" -- which I am. I said "tell it to your therapist!"

My date was dumbstruck, bug eyed and silent.  The movie ended and she was afraid that the drunk was waiting outside to beat me up or kill me. So what? If i am a murder victim, I automatically get a free pass to paradise....and he gets to be someone's bitch behind bars the rest of his life. I'll relax in the next world with my dear departed Papa, sipping the equivelent of Black Cherry Soda, and watch Earth on God's big screen TV. I'll tune in every night to happily watch my murderer beg for mercy from his King Kong sized cell mate who, showing no mercy whatsoever, bangs him repeatedly in the poop chute.

How's that for a spiritual outlook?

Best line in the film: "I'm a movie producer. You can trust me!"

SICK SICK SICK

Despite a flu shot, I got the flu = complete with 103.5 fever (not a radio station). While delirious, I watched DVDs and even through my fevered fog I can tell CRAP when I see it.

CRAP: NOEL  the director must be a nicest guy in the world. Honest. He has a marvelous cast and a plot right out of a Twilight Zone Holiday Special. It even has Penelope Cruze in a short skirt and plenty of makeup and REAL LIVE CLEAVAGE. Sadly, even Penelope's cleavage can't bring holiday cheer to this well intentioned piece of CRAP.

It almost breaks my heart to insult this film. Everyone in it is good. But the movie plays like a made for TV movie where the actors phoned in their parts and never met their co-stars. of course i was delirious when i saw it , so it might be FABULOUS.

EXCELLENT MOVIE: Skeleton Key.

Honest.

No Kidding

Whoever directed Skeleton Key should have directed NOEL.

NOW HERE IS SOMETHING AMAZING:

A MOVIE THAT IS CONSISTENTLY CLEVER YET NEVER ENTERTAINING~~ Jimmi Glick in Lalawood or something like that.. REALLY clever --- REALLY boring....ive never been cleverly bored before!!

im still feverish, so im gonna go lie down.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DONNA

In days of old, pen pals would hand write lengthy letters and send them off overseas via ship. Months later, the long awaited reply would arrive.  More recently, airmail reduced the time to a matter of weeks or less. Now, thanks to the Internet, we write to each other with instant communication. And even though voice chat is available with telephone quality or better, those of us used to keyboard conversation continue our dialog via keystroke rather than vocal chords.

About five years ago I met Donna on-line. She lives in the UK, I live in USA.  We are friends of the best kind, and always will be, although we've never met.  We've laughed so hard at times, I thought we would both expire from humor overdose.  I know more about her life than I do the lives of my next door neighbors. (THANK GOD! My neighbors SCARE ME!) I even know her boyfriend's shoe size..and that isn't a euphemism.  With her kind permission, I even used her as a character in my novelization of the movie STEALTH (published only in Japan)....a small role, I admit: She tosses aside the jet pilot hero to run off with a truck driver.  In real life, Donna's boyfriend drives truck, so it wasn't too far fetched.  

Today is Donna's birthday. She is ...uh....well, let's say she is same age as my sister ....mid-thirties....and not getting a year past 36 EVER no matter how many birthdays she has.

<<<<< birthday girl, Donna

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

ITS TIME TO GET YOUR BANGS CUT

AND THE REST OF YOUR HAIR TOOOOO!

PARIS HILTON'S WAX JOB

Paris Hilton used to be RICH. Now she is RICH and FAMOUS. She became famous by having SEX with her boyfriend, having someone video tape it, and then making sure everyone SAW IT.  Watching Paris have sex sent the world a clear message -- she wanted to be known as more than just a blond girl with too much money. Just notice the way she never stops looking at the camera even when supposedly engrossed in acts of consuming carnal desire -- each eye-lock cries out: "LOOK! I am photogenic! I could be on the cover of REDBOOK!"

<<<< Paris Hilton with clothes on in the new DVD release of: HOUSE OF WAX

Unlike the original HOUSE OF WAX, the new version is about several TEENAGERS who go OFF THE MAIN ROAD and find CRAZY PEOPLE.  In the movie industry this is called, "DAMN! I wish we would have thought of `teenagers take the wrong road and get in trouble' scenario! It worked in Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Jeepers Creepers, House of 1000 Corpses, and The Greatest Story Ever Told so it should work here too!"  The movie features some clever special effects and smart makeup. Notice the clever placement of mud smudges on the endangered ingenue:

do you think it's just a coincidence that those mud smudges just happen to be on her breasts? I DONT THINK SO!

Paris Hilton gets killed in the movie after running around in red undergarments.  The girl with the smudgy breasts is about four feet tall, and her co-star is about 7 foot 3 inches, so she wore boots with lifts in every scene where you cant see her feet. She is very tiny except for parts singled out for mud. I'm sure she watched the video of Paris having sex before working with her, you know, so the two of them would have something to talk about between takes.

Wouldn't you?

STRANGER THAN FICTION

STRANGER THAN FICTION is a forthcoming film starring Emma Thompson, Will Farrel, and Dustin Hoffman. It's a comedy, or a tragedy, or a drama....in fact, that is something that the main character, portrayed by Will Farrel, has to uncover -- is he living a comedy or a tragedy -- or both? The preview screening I saw the other night at SONY studios was a "work in progress" -- no opening or closing credits, temporary music, and possibly provisional sound. I loved it. If the final product is as good as the preview, everyone should be well pleased.

I've been on a real movie marathon lately -- seeing all manner of films at the Directors Guild and at the TV Acadamy.  SYRIANA, done in the same multi-story but it all comes together style as TRAFFIC, features strong performances but no resolution....long lines, long movie....

The real standout is THE PRODUCERS -- DON"T MISS THIS ONE!! IT is an absolute joy!