Crime Expert BURL BARER. Edgar Award Winner and NYT Bestselling Author

ANGIE DICKINSON IS NICE

Yes, that's me with Angie Dickinson. I could reveal that Angie and I are lovers,  but that wouldn't be true. I could reveal that the USA invaded Iraq because the ruling regime had weapons of mass destruction aimed at us, but that is also not true. I could tell you that the USA has  more weapons of mass destruction than every other country in the world put together, and that would  be true. Angie  has no weapons of mass destruction. She is very sweet. She was also married to Burt Bacharach. She was never married to Nicle Kidman. She hates Eddie Fisher.

This is Sid Bernstein. He isn't gay. Eddie Fisher was the best man at his wedding. He was never married to Angie Dickinson or Nicole Kidman. My friend Allen Goldblatt used to work for Sid. Allen isn't gay either, but was briefly rumored to be having an affair with Liz Taylor who was once married to Eddie Fisher.

EDDIE FISHER with his very rich bride BETTY LIN FISHER. He was formerly married to DEBBIE REYNOLDS, CONNIE STEVENS and ELIZABETH TAYLOR. During the wedding ceremony EDDIE cried with happiness. The wedding took place at a beautiful La Jolla mansion.  She pased away and Eddie is now very very rich.


That's Allen Goldblatt with me  back when we both had lots of hair. We were about 20 years old when this picture was taken.  You can see why he  was linked with Liz Taylor.  I look as if I should be linked with Eddie Fisher.

SUPREME GENIUS/MANIFEST STUPIDITY/ BASIC INSTINCT 2

The Festival of Books is super-special this year because ALL FOUR of my sister's kids are signing their new books. Here is how my nephew, Tod Goldberg tells it:

How cool is this? All four of us Goldberg siblings (which includes my now non-Goldberg named sisters Karen Dinino & Linda Woods) in the same ad for our appearances in the Borders booth next weekend at the LA Times Festival Of Books. Lee, Karen & Linda will all be signing together Sunday morning at 10am, while I'm slotted for Satuday afternoon at 3pm. Sadly, we couldn't get the scheduled arranged so we'd all be together, but we're working on getting an all-Goldberg-all-the-time event sometime very soon.

Is Burl Barer, Brilliant Author signing his latest book? NO! Why not? Because it isn't on sale in America, is only in Japanese, and I have not had a new book out in the USA since the summer of 2004. I am doing everything in my power to rectify that situation! Yes, proposals are out there for SECRETS OF A HOLLYWOOD PRIVATE EYE (non fiction), and I'm hustling for some tie-in novels, etc.  Trust me, my career isn't over yet.  I'll tell you someone whose career is over -- the lady who wins the I SURE THE HELL AM STUPID AWARD.

You probably heard by now, but in case you didn't -- SUPREME STUPIDITY HAS MANIFESTED ITSELF! No, I don't mean any well known political figure. I am referring to the woman who wrote an unauthorized STAR WARS novel and tried selling it on Amazon and Barnes and Noble websites. Copyright violation, anyone?  She didn't consider it a "commercial venture" despite SELLING IT.  She supposedly wrote it for her friends and family -- but put it ON SALE  in a published version and an e-book download. For the astonishing details, just go to my nephew Lee Goldberg's blog (A WRITERS LIFE). 

Sharon Stone has bigger breasts in the sequel than she did in Basic Instict.

Her hair looks great, as does her makeup.  The film is getting horid reviews.

That's ok. I enjoyed every minute of it. Then again, I am a sick puppy.

Lesbian Action Hero

IN HER LINE OF FIRE brings us America's first lesbian action hero!  In case you are wondering, the action hero is the blond with the machine gun -- the dark haired buxum beauty is the object of her affection.
Glad we got that cleared up.

This HERE! original -- forgive the grammar -- was shot on video, but lacks the visual creativity of WOLF CREEK, also shot on hi-def.  IHLOF's plot? The Vice President's plane goes down in the South Pacific, then the blond goes down on the brunette. Oooops. Well, before we get that far, the blond kills dozens of Pacific Island extras -- it's ok, she's used to it, having killed hundreds of Iraqis in Desert Storm. She is a Secret Service agent. The other woman is a reporter. The VP is held hostage by mercenaries (US MARINES) training the islanders in killing methods, and killing method actors. In truth, the best part of this A-TEAM meets the Lesbionic Woman TV flick is the bad guy played brilliantly by David Millbern. This guy is going to be a star. Honest. He is much better than the film. After the screening, I was asked what I thought. Being diplomatic, I replied "I LOVED THE ENDING!"
<<<< DAVID MILLBERN, FUTURE BIG STAR.

WOLF CREEK, which I mentioned up there is a scary movie that really delivers the chills.  The film is based on two true crime events.
Fist the killings by Ivan Milat. It is famous in Australia and known to Aussies as the Backpack Murders. The girls in the movie were based on victims Caroline Clarke and Joanne Walters. They were British tourists that toured southern Australia together in 1992 when they ran into Milat, and he killed them brutally. Both were violently stabbed multiple times and Clarke was shot in the head several times. Milat killed at least 7 people and recieved 7 life sentences. But speculation is that he may have killed up to 30. It also based on the disappearance of Peter Falconio. He and his girlfriend were touring the Australian outback, and on a stretch of highway leading from Alice Springs to Tennant Creek, they stopped to help a motorist. Falconio was shot and his girlfriend was tied up. She escaped. Bradley Murdoch was convicted on DNA evidence and currently serving a life sentence. Shot on a budget of 3.5 million, not a cent is wasted. The acting is excellent, the directing superb. It is scary as hell.

COSTCO EYEWEAR FREAKOUT

Today I freaked out at Costco -- actually at the Costco Eye Wear counter. According to JD Power & Associates, they have wonderful customer satisfaction. Well, I am sure as hell not that customer.
I "took a number" -- #19 and no matter what I did, they ignored me right up to #23.  
I finally spoke right into the puffy face of the man behind the counter, and he looked right through me as if I were Claude Raines recently unraveled from an Ace Bandage.
Well, I freaked out! I went over to the number machine...ya know, you pull out those little paper numbers...and I just started pulling ALL of them out...handfulls of them...dozens of them!!!
Then I yelled "LOOK I HAVE NUMBERS!!!! LOOK AT ALL THE NUMBERS!! YOU CAN IGNORE THESE TOO!" Then I threw them on the counter and walked out.
I am sure COSTCO assumes I'll be back -- sort of like May Company -- if you shop there, you MUST come back, right?
WRONG! I don't need a pallet of Tampax anyway, and all I wanted to know was if they carried my brand of contact lenses.
So, phoeey on JD POWER  and COSTCO customer satisfaction. If they want to apologize, they can TAKE A NUMBER!!!

Spiritual Symbols of Passover

The more Moses demands that Pharaoh let the people of Israel go, the more Pharaoh resists, because he must give up the life he is accustomed to. Problems increase, disease and foes oppress the Egyptian people, till at last Pharaoh says, "I will let the people of Israel go," meaning "I will give up the life of the lower senses." But as we very often see, after a while, when disease and disasters disappear, people return to their old lifestyle. So did Pharaoh. In our inner life also, difficulties will come until we make a firm decision to give up our old way of life as Pharaoh finally did to free the people of Israel and let them go to the promised land.

But the battle is not over. Pharaoh regrets that his slaves are gone, as the lower part of us sometimes does when it remembers the old days, and Pharaoh decides to bring them back. This is impossible, since a firm decision was taken and the people of Israel were already escaping through the Red Sea. That is to say, the inner door closed to the lower qualities which were then destroyed, symbolized by the waters of the Red Sea swallowing up Pharaoh and his army. Neither was there any return possible for the people of Israel; for evolution only goes forward.

Geisha think you're swell, darlin'

Ok rented that lush, exhilerating, award winning  Memoirs of a Geisha -- a feast for the eyes, and slap in the  face to the mind. How's that for mixing metaphors?
This movie deserves praise for actually making a silk kimono out of a sno-cone. It looks wonderful -- visually. But the plot? SHEEEEEEEESH! The screenplay was adapted from a best selling book. Not one of mine, of course. Not one of Lee's or Tod's or Karen & Linda's or even Jan Curran's.
If a soap opera is a three hankie movie, this artsy stunner is a one hanky film..and if you've seen the movie you'll get the joke. The plot, absurd as it is, goes like this:
Man gives a sno-cone and a hanky to a little girl. At that moment she decides to become a geisha so she can grow up and be his mistress. Of course, despite dreadful obstacles -- such as being the lamest piece of ass in Japan - she emerges victorious. Finally, at the only climax in the film (the end), she tells Mr Hanky Sno-Cone that she has always wanted him, loved him, etc.  And he says that HE HAS ALWAYS WANTED HER TOO!! Damn creepy if ya ask me. Never take candy from a stranger -- and that includes sno-cones. If this film hadn't been made with such loving care and dazzling artistry, it would have been laughed off the screen. 
Heck, even Jerry Lewis' The Geisha Boy had more substance in plot and character.
Final analysis: All Hanky, No Panky.

MY DAD -- a true story

     

My cousin Alan Barer posted this true story about my Dad -- Uncle Dave to him -- on his blog. I am reposting it here:

            

                          UNCLE DAVE

Unle Dave was about ten when he came to the U. S. While my father never lost his accent, Uncle Dave was comfortable in switching from Yiddish to English and back with no trace of accent.

Enrolled in an English as a second language program at Sharpstein school he was quickly mainstreamed His goal was to memorize a page of this dictionary each day.

He loved to play basketball and was heartbroken to not be allowed to finish the eighth grade ruling out high school and a chance to make the basketball team.

In 1984 a group of the Whitman College class of "34" in town for their fiftieth reunion came to my office to inquire as why their "classmate" Dave was not attending the reunion. An avid tennis player and Clark Gable look-a-like he was a popular man on campus tho not an enrolled student.

Shortly before his graduation his father, grandfather Barel, had an attack of asthma.
The only known paliative was to spend time in Arizona. The absence of mold and pollen in the desert climate provided temporary relief. This was the sheep shearing season. The family income was derived mostly in a short time each year by purchasing crops of wool from ranchers and reselling to Pendleton Woolen Mills.

David entered the wool buying business with vigor. In fact his early successes in the business lead to a run in with the Leher family.

Suave Joe Leher was an established wool buyer in the Walla Walla area. Year to year he contracted in advance to buy the crops of the major wool producers in the area. Grandfather Barel new to the business and with limited English had to compete with him.

David began by calling on the biggest producers and buying from some of them.

One day he received a summons to report to the prosecuting attourney's office. After sitting in a waiting room for some time wondering what it was about, he was summoned into the office of the deputy prosecuting attourney Bernie Leher the Harvaed Law School graduate son of Joe Leher.

After glaring across the the desk for a suitable amount of time he consulted a document and began, "Young man, it has come to this office's attention that you have conspired with the following wool growers ---- to break existing contracts.
This is a serious offense in the state of Washington of which you can be tried and convicted." 

"Set up your trial," replied the teen age David. "I am sure the judge would like to know that you are using your public office for the benefit of your father's business". He turned his back to the flustered Bernie and walked out of the office.