Crime Expert BURL BARER. Edgar Award Winner and NYT Bestselling Author

IS NOTHING SACRED?

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I stole this pic from Lee's website. This is the actress who reminds me of that other actresss -- you know, the one who got busted for shoplifting and was in ALIEN RESURRECTION. This is the one who was in PRIDE AND PREJUDICE. She is famous for her left nipple. Honest.

Is nothing sacred???? This is Minnie Mouse, portrayed as a transexual rodent. Hell, she should take the gloves off and whup some ass with her three fingered hand.

This woman sells her used underthings on-line.  She is not alone.... this woman also sells her undies on line. There is obviously a demand for used underclothes. SOOOOOOOOO.....

I will gladly sell my underwear AND SOCKS -- all used, some with doggie teeth marks...to the highest bidder. No that doesn't mean the bidder who has consumed the most mind altering chemicals..although that may influence the bidding.

Yes, i don't look like this anymore. It is a picture from about 1969. You can tell by the hair.

FOX NETWORK -- NO LAUGHS

FOX LAYS EGG AT BROADCAST PREVIEW

Finger food appetizers and spoon fed quotes, augmented by twenty minute demo reels of forthcoming broadcast fare from eight national networks, didn’t keep members of the Television Academy from leaving the June 14^th Broadcast Preview Night with a bad taste in their mouths.  Distasteful and humorless, FOX rolled out an unappetizing smorgasbord of so-called “comedy” clips that left viewers drop jawed with incredulity.

Television professionals bolted from their seats at the Leonard Goldenson Theatre in North Hollywood and headed for the aisles in what one actor termed “the biggest mass-exodus since

Egypt

.” In truth, had Moses shown Ramses the Fox demo reel, God could have put the plagues on hiatus, and simply cut to the chase.

FOX, allowed the same twenty minutes as the other networks, selected what they believed were the strongest comedy moments from their “sure-fire” new sit-coms. At nineteen minutes into the reel, and despite non-stop howls and applause on the laugh track, no one in the live audience demonstrated even the slightest symptoms of honest amusement.

“It was horrid and offensive,” grumbled one long time television veteran, “and the so-called funniest moment was a woman telling a man that, because he was wearing shorts, ‘I can see your balls. There is no part of your balls I can’t see.’ Did FOX really think that material was funny? No one laughed. People were screaming with hysterics on the laugh track, but in real life, it wasn’t funny at all – it was pathetic.”

“Based on FOX’s presentation,” quipped another television pro, “I predict a big comeback in the popularity of prime time radio.”

NBC, thankfully devoid of FOX’s excrement and anatomical excesses, elicited honest laughs with the admission that they were terribly off-base with their previous season’s programming.  Their upcoming fare is not only excellent in concept and execution, but may actually be too good for network television.

FOX and NBC gave the

Television

Academy

the full spectrum – from the absurd to the sublime.  The other networks’ presentations were enjoyable, with PBS offering predictably high-gloss material.

“There is no doubt that NBC and FOX each, in their own way, stole the show,” commented one well-known actress. “Well, maybe FOX did more than steal the show – they made about half the audience vanish.”

OLIVIA DE HAVILAND

Olivia De Haviland -- born in Japan, living in Paris -- replaced Joan Crawford in "Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte." She excelled at playing THE BITCH.
I think she is fantastic.
Then again, I think I am fantastic and I am not a bitch.
No, you dont win dinner with me, Jay. Unless you are buying.
Meanwhile, my two pending media projects are still pending. Yawn. Sigh. I am compelled to take REAL JOBS. This is tragic. Next week I'm doing data entry for a race car company. Vroooooom!!!

Movie Trivia

No doubt David Zarkin will know the answer to this one -- but maybe you do too.

Q: What Japanese born actress,living in Paris, won two Oscars, and starred in many of Hollywood's greatest films?

BLOODRAYNE

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Here we see the importance of education -- were it not for reading difficulties, our topless bars would be filled with librarians flaunting their Dewey Decimal Systems.

Which brings us to the topic of BLOODRAYNE - a movie based on a bloody video game. Michael Madsen is in it. He is a good actor, but this film doesn't validate his status.  Billy Zane is also in it. So is Sir Ben Kingsly. They all sound like idiots because, we figured out while watching it, the script contains NO CONTRACTIONS. No "won't" "can't" "didn't" etc. Nope...all "WILL NOT" "CAN NOT" "SHALL NOT" but the rest of the dialog is American 20th century vernacular -- a combination resulting in stilted, off-putting intonation and meter.

But more exciting than the stilted dialog is the uplifting costuming.

The best line in the film is when a kid asks Rayne "May I see your t.."  We all thought he was going to say "tits" but he said "teeth"

Give the kid a few years and he'll make a more rational request.

Why Radio Doesn't Work

This is an email I sent to a discussion list to which I belong -- I thought I would share it here as well.
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The self-destructive nature of contemporary radio   sales/programming/pricing, now imitated by most television outlets with the   same disasterous results, continues to amaze me.  A twenty year study of   radio advertising revealed something most of us could have told them in ten   seconds: it is overpriced to the point that the advertiser who could benifit   from it cant afford sufficient frequency.
The NARB and it's members have   jconcentrated on raising the percieved value of advertising time, limiting the   number of adverts per hour, raising the price based on limited opportunity to   reach the target audience, and then clustering those ads in an ineffective   block -- assuring listenor tune-out and encouraging tune out by portraying   adverts as a NEGATIVE.."WE HAVE FEWER COMMERCIALS!"
ANOTHER 20 COMMERCIAL   FREE MINUTES!  I wouldnt give my advertising dollar to any jerk who   insults the hand that feeds him.  In the days when common sense   prevailed, we didnt call them "commercials" we termed them "friendly   reminders" or "important and entertaing messages from our proud   sponsors!"
ESPN knows the secret of success in tv advertising -- never more   than a 60 second break and always IN THE  CONTENT, NOT BETWEEN THE   SHOWS.
If your sponsors dont get results they can take to the bank, or   maintain their market share in a market share battle, your station has failed   -- no matter how great the numbers, how overpaid the consultants, or how many   fart jokes your morning man "gets away with" --  advertising is meant to   be an investment, not an expense, and it is only WORTH what it   WORKS.

HOLLOW MAN 2

This sequel sucks. Okay, it isn't HORRID, but it is supposed to take place in SEATTLE. Do they ever show Seattle? NO. They show the skyline of VANCOUVER, Canada!  Why? Because they shot the film in Vancouver, Canada.  The screenwriter attempted dropping in some Seattle references -- but got them all screwed up: supposedly near the downtown ferry terminal, someone asks "has the ferry to Edmonds left yet?"
The EDMONDS FERRY is in EDMONDS, WASHINGTON and goes only to Kingston in lovely Kitsap County, Washington.  There is no ferry to Edmonds from Seattle.

The female lead tells our hero: "go to 24th and Main -- I have a friend at the Seattle Times."

There is no such intersection in Seattle.  The Seattle Times is located in the same historic building as it has been for decades -- on Boren Avenue about a half block from the 13 Coins Restaurant.

The real shocker was our hero running out the door of a residence in Redmond, Washington and suddenly being "downtown" Seattle near skid row and the ferry terminal.

None of this is as absurd as RUMBLE IN THE BRONX where Vancounver Canada doubled for New York City -- i dont recall that many evergreen trees at the port of New York.

The climax of the film: two invisible men fighting. Ya gotta see THAT!

THEY LIVE!!!

My daughter is a big fan of the movie, THEY LIVE! My nephew, Tod Goldberg, recently mentioned it also.  Well, It is one weird-ass sci-fi film. Wrestler Rowdy Roddy Piper (star of Hell Comes to Frog Town) battles fascist aliens -- a precurser to the Bush Regime no doubt, and has really cool glasses.  The real strange thing is MEG FOSTER -- the female star who has eyes that make you go "whoooaahhhh!"

In case you missed the pulse pounding plot:

John Nada is a laid off blue collar worker who discovers a conspiracy of control caused by aliens who truly are the rulers of Earth. When John puts on a pair of sunglasses he is able to see the aliens and their means of propaganda for the first time. He fights with a friend Keith David in one of Hollywood's truly most gruelling brawls ever. Then they two decide to travel together to try to stop the aliens. John also tries to convince a reporter Holly of the alien's presence on the Earth but his attempt fails at first.

This may be a true story. Buy it or rent  it-- but believe it!

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BODY COUNT SURPRISE

Kensington Publishing sent me a report detailing how many people actually purchased a Burl Barer true-crime book between December 30th 2005 and June 30th 2005. I expected MURDER IN THE FAMILY to be the #1 seller -- it always is.  NOT THIS TIME!!! WOWZERS! BODY COUNT sold 34,408 copies in those six months, making total sales of 60,956 since it was published in September 2002.  That means over half of its total sales were in that six month period. WHY? I don't know and I DON'T CARE!   MURDER IN THE FAMILY only sold 847 copies in those same six months, for a total of 65,217 since August 2000. Suddenly, BODY COUNT is selling like, well, a  popular true crime book. Gee. How nice.  It is the story of murderer Robert Lee Yates, who killed probably about 20 women over 25 years, most of them in the final years of his killing spree. His victims -- some of whom I knew -- were all shot in the head at close range. VERY  CLOSE RANGE.  To find out why, buy the book!  Just click here:BODY COUNT!!! 
Of course, you can order ALL my books and have a Burl Barer fun fest.
Yeah, right.

BREAD IS DANGEROUS

!!! BREAD IS DANGEROUS !!!

Research on bread indicates that:

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

 

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In light of these frightening statistics, it has been proposed that the following bread restrictions be made:

1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.