Crime Expert BURL BARER. Edgar Award Winner and NYT Bestselling Author

AT&T SBC F*CK U N ME

My nephew, Tod Goldberg, loves "fucktards" with the same ebuelent enthusiasm as his brother craves unlicensed and self-published fanfiction. Hence, Tod would be every bit as enthusiastic about AT&T as he once was about Duran Duran. The monthly phone bill here at our sumptuous Van Nuys estate is $71.11, and that includes DSL. There are no 3rd party billings allowed -- no hidden charges for astrological forcasts or pet rocks from some other marekting company padding the bill. Right now they want over $300. As we pay them on time every month, what's the problem? PLUS, you try to call them and you get a machine pretending to be a person. I HATE THAT.
Machine: Please tell me exactly what you want to do.
ME: I want to speak to a human being.
Machinge: I'm sorry, I ddn't quite get that.
ME: well, try www.iamastupidmachinefromhell dot com.
Machine: I'm sorry, I still didn't quite understand your request.
ME: I request you gargle my manhood.
Machine: was that a yes or a no?
ME: Your motherboard is so ugly .....
Machine: Pay your bill, you cheap ass Jew
Me: Eat Hitler's Poop, you anti-semitic peice of corporate dung!
Machine: please hold for our next available customer service representative.
<<< ring>>>
<<<< silence>>>
IF YOU WISH TO MAKE A CALL, HANG UP AND TRY AGAIN.

MEATLOAF

Okay, this is a terrible joke. Then again, it is the only MEATLOAF joke I've ever heard, seen or read.
kon it deserves a reprint:
Meatloaf was wandering down the street minding his own business when he bumped into Arthur Lee from 60s psychadelia-lovin musos Love. Arthur was in a terrible state. "Meatloaf, you've got to help me!" "Whatever is the matter Arthur?" said the 'Loaf.

"It's this karaoke competition. I was meant to sing a song with Brian Wilson but he's chickened out on me and I'm too nervous to do it on my own. Please help me out!"
Meatloaf was reluctant at first, as Arthur Lee was a bit of a mentalist. But as he was a mate he decided to help him out. "OK Arthur, I'll sing with you because you're my friend. What's the song?"

"Brilliant!" said Arthur. "The song is 'Stand By Me', an old favourite of mine. It'll be great. Thanks ever so much Meatloaf!"

So Meatloaf and Arthur got up on stage and sung their hearts out to the soul classic to rapturous cheers and applause. Meatloaf stayed to watch some of the other acts. As he was watching Justin Timberlake wail along to Radiohead's 'Creep', Meatloaf felt a tap on his shoulder.

It was Robbie Williams!

"Hi Mr Meatloaf, you were so good up there with Arthur Lee. Will you sing with me as well? I know you could bolster my chances of winning!" Meatloaf wasn't sure. Robbie tried to persuade him. "There's no rule that says you can't sing more than one song. Please Mr Loaf!"

"Well I dunno Robbie - maybe... What's the song?"

"It's Matt from Busted's new solo single that I can't remember the name of right now! I'm sure it's going to be a ginormous hit and all the kids will love it. We'll win for sure!"

"No way!" said Meatloaf suddenly.

"Why ever not?" inquired Robbie.

Meatloaf replied, "I would do Ben E King for Love, but I won't do Matt."