Crime Expert BURL BARER. Edgar Award Winner and NYT Bestselling Author

FIZNIKS

The number one question readers ask their favorite authors is, "where do you get your ideas?" 
As I am seldom anyone's favorite author, that question doesn't come up much. When it does, I answer: "I get my ideas from the same place as the guy who invented the Fiznik."
What's a Fiznik? C'mon -- you MUST know about Fiznik! It's the greatest invention since the pop bottle. Sadly,you can't use a Fiznik with a pop can, and that may have been the beginning of Fiznik's demise.  As you can see from the illustration, the Fiznik is a sphere of plastic that seperates in the middle, allowing for the insertion of a scoop of ice cream. You then close the sphere,and insert one end of the sphere into the top of a pop bottle, and the other end into your mouth! There you have it --an instant "float!"

   

I loved the Fiznik. The only problem was that sometimes the sphere came apart while you were drinking and you wound up wearing the float instead of swallowing it. If the Fiznik is still manufactured and available, please let me know...even if I am not your favorite author.

HEY HEY WE'RE THE MONKEES

David Zarkin, King of Cheezie Movies, asked if the obviously outdated photo of yours handsome truly is from the era of Bobby Sherman and Andy Gibb.  Those are actually two different periods in pop music -- Bobby Sherman (Hey, Little Woman) was a pop star with screaming fans at the same time as Davey Jones of the Monkees -- the Pre-Fab Four (or five).  I never met Davey Jones or Bobby Sherman but I spent a wonderful fun afternoon with Andy Gibb in Bellevue, Washington. He visited the gleaming streamlined studios of Barer/McManus & Partners, or Barer/Goldblatt & Associates, depending on the exact year. Mike Rowley (sp?) took tons of cool photos and although I saw them once, I never got copies.

I also met Circus Boy/Monkee  Micky Dolenz, at KOL radio.  Dolenz began his show business career in 1956 when he starred in a children’s show called Circus Boy under the name Mickey Braddock. In the show he played an orphaned boy who is the water boy for the elephants in his uncle’s one-ring circus at the turn of the 20th Century. The program ran for three years, after which Dolenz made sporadic appearances on network TV shows and pursued his education. He also played with a couple of obscure rock and roll bands, including one called The Missing Links. In 1965 Dolenz was cast in the television sitcom The Monkees and became the drummer and lead vocalist for the band created for the show. He wrote a few of the band’s songs as well as providing the lead vocals for such hits as “Last Train to Clarksville” and “I’m a Believer”. Toward the end of the series’ hectic two-year run Dolenz directed and co-wrote what turned out to be the show’s final episode.
Freddie BOOM BOOM Cannon also dropped by KOL, as did Deep Throat star, Linda Lovelace. I met Freddie, but not Linda. Maybe Freddie shared Linda's talent, but I didn't make any attempt to find out. Pia Zadorra (all three feet tall of her) stopped by KYYX to hype her one semi-hit single, but my favorite radio station semi-regular was Bette Midler who was a frequent guest on the Jack Morton show. I only saw Bette live on stage once -- and she was topless on roller skates!! Honest! Ask her yourself. She doesn;t talk about that much.
Speaking of topless, a frequent commentator on this blog is notorious artist DOGSDONTPURR. She appears, albeit briefly, in the too-long but still entertaining documentary SURREALISM, now available on DVD.  I also appear in the film,but she shows up busting out all over. She is wearing SOMETHING , but as she is about as tall as Pia Zadorra, her famed female attributes appear the size of the front grill, headlights, and bumper of a 1972 Cadillac or De Soto from the late  1960's. I think it is trick photography, because in person with clothes on she looks sort of (forgive me!) normal. I have never been one of those guys obsessed with breasts -- just didn't "get it" when it came to that fixation. Now, in my advanced age, I am garnering an appreciation that was beyond me in my youth. Whoever said "Youth is wasted on the young" has never been to Palm Springs -- lots of old guys with young girls (or boys).
Ohhhh -- David Cassidy was another pop star at the same time as Bobbyt Sherman.
Didn't meet him either. <sigh>
Met the Byrds, talked to John Lennon, sat next to Sly Stalone at a funeral...but never met David Cassidy.

TALK RADIO

My dear friend Pat O'Day, one of the great radio program directors of all time, wrote the following observations recently...Pat, being as long winded as I, atually wrote about three times this much, but I chopped it down.
. ----------------------------
Without great performers, without solid, gripping, electrifying
personalities with the ability to reach through the speaker and grab you by
the ears, talk radio is just another boring diversion in a world packed with
excitement.

[Most markets suffer] from a shortage of local talk greatness
due to a lack of coaching and development on the part of the program
directors. The tendency prevails to hire them, put them on the air, tell
them what topics to avoid, which topics to emphasize, the let them succeed
or hang themselves.

The days of disciplined, patient, talent development seem to have vanished.
Aircheck meetings, goal setting, performance accountability, and a
requirement of constant improvement are rare to non-existent.

Sometimes, the talent is so great, the talent overcomes this lack of
direction. Blame should be placed on stations that rely only on research for direction.
Blame should be placed on GMs and PDs who haven't the ability to listen and
truly understand the difference between sensational communication and
mundane jabber. If a GM or PD has to wait for the book to come out to know
how their station is doing, they were miscast in their positions.
Magic is unmistakable if one is listening for it.  But compelling,
spellbinding, listener-grabbing programming can only be heard if pre-
conceived notions are put aside.
------
Among Pat's honors is being inducted into the Rock n Roll Radio Hall of Fame.  I was inducted the same year, but didn't find out about it until almost a decade later. I guess I missed the celebratory luncheon and charming parting gifts.

BORING AND LONG WINDED/Purrfect brreasts

Once again, I'm semi-manic -- almost no sleep in three days. Oh I get real tired and go to bed and forty five minutes later I am wide awake and back on the computer. Today, I went to the UK Amazon.com site and found that some ...er...uh....FUCKTARD (thanks, Tod) gave my book HEAD SHOT one star and termed it "boring and long winded" because it consisted (she wrote) of "99% lawyer jargon"
Well ms prissy UK ignoramous -- you wouldnt know fact crime journalism if it cornered you in a well lit shopping mall and stained your knickers with DNA.  Obviously this brain dead critic has no idea in hell what it takes to distill five trials and an appeal to the State Supreme Court into any type of narrative, let alone one that interplays appropriately with the structural considerations of an entry in the Pinnacle True Crime series.
Then again, she didn't like it. And right now I am having Deja Vu because last year I had a dream where I was writing this -- and now I am writing this! HA. MAD THEY CALL ME!!! 

LETS TALK ABOUT TITS
Alan Blangy, you notice, posted a comment about Dogsdontpurr's breasts being 100% authentic because (as we all know or have inferred) he uses them for his personal amusement -- sort of like mini-trampolines of lust.

.
 

SEX DEATH AND H2O

Being an author reminds me of sex.  You know: the frequency of rejection, the many months (or years) between releases, and when its over, you wonder if anyone will ever ask you to do it again.
I haven't had a book published in English since 2004. My Japanese STEALTH came out last October.  Things have been too quiet.  I submitted a few true crime proposals, but they shared a common flaw: the people were murdered PRIOR to 2001.
I receive emails such as: "Dear Burl -- this is one hell of a story. Too bad these folks weren't murdered more recently."
The family of executed felon Sean Sellers -- put to death by the country that, in defiance of 1993 International Law, specifically reserved the right to execute children (USA) -- contacted me recently. They offered me unprecedented cooperation in telling the entire inside story of a crime and trial that was the center of a world-wide controversy. Desmond Tutu, Bianca Jagger, and Amnesty International were all players in this high-profile drama.
SORRY. This story, despite its historic significance and incredible dramatic appeal, IS TOO OLD.
<sigh>
"No one cares about murders that took place more than five years ago."
This explains the complete lack of interest in the case of Lizzie Borden, that of Jack the Ripper, or that old chestnut, the Boston Strangler.

MORE SEX ADVICE:  Our dear friend "dogsdontpurr," famed for making art with her well-formed mammary glands (i assume they are well formed, but i have not actually seen them "in the flesh," and the only photo I've seen of them was taken prior to 2001 so that doesn't count) was drop-jawed with incredulity at my admonition to remove the broken beer bottles from her bed prior to coitivity.  Ok, I acknowledge that some people derive pleasure from mating atop broken beer bottles, Jones Soda bottles, etc.  I suggest then a compromise -- use broken bottles of Absorbine Jr. and Witch Hazel.
SCIENCE FACT REVEALED
In the movie HOUSE OF FRANKENSTEIN, Boris Karloff explains science to his hunchback cellmate. Written on the wall in chalk is the formula:
H2O=H2O. Trust me. I saw this with my own eyes.  I have H2O/H2O vision.

BLOG COMMENTS

I have noticed a significant lack of comments to my blog. Has it become dull? Is it not stimulating? Should I have more sex advice, naughty pictures, and scientific facts? OK!!!
SEX ADVICE:  If you and your lover plan on having sex, make sure there aren't  broken beer bottles, thumb tacks, and fishing lures in the bed. These can  snag your  outfits, cause runs in fishnet hosiery, and you might land a trout when you least expect it.

NAUGHTY PICTURES:

SCIENTIFIC FACTS: The Romans invented the popsicle. The Chinese invented the wheelbarrow.

OK  NOW DO I GET COMMENTS???

BURT REYNOLDS

Burt Renolds kicked off the new "MASTER ACTORS CLASSES" at the Screen Actors Guild with a fascinating, touching, and memorable evening hosted by Paul Ryan -- the best interviewer in the business.

No kidding. Paul Ryan is ABSOLUTELY the best. Okay, maybe Charlie Rose given him a run for the title, but Ryan is so damn good it is amazing. He is 100% prepared, knows exactly what to ask, when to ask it, and how to ask it -- his questions are always perfect prompts that encourage/allow his guest to open up and reveal more.  Backstage, after the event, Burt Reynolds said to Ryan "Hey, I gotta tell ya...I was wandering sometimes all the way to China, and you were like an anchor, a brick..you always brought me right back, on track, and to the point I really wanted to make. I can't thank you enough."

So with all that praise for Paul Ryan out of the way, allow me to praise Burt Reynolds.

This wasn't a
"performance" -- this was an actor who has had incredible career ups and downs -- including two years in a coma, pain killer addiction, and five years as the #1 box office attraction in the world, speaking to his fellow actors about life, what's really important, and what it has been like for him in showbusiness. It was funny, touching, often sad, and more often hilarious. If you ever wondered what that guy is really like, I can tell you he is very real, very authentic, and not full of bullshit. Yes, he's a nice guy.