Crime Expert BURL BARER. Edgar Award Winner and NYT Bestselling Author

PARIS HILTON ENDS IRAQ WAR

Paris Hilton, incredibly rich twig of the Hilton family tree, achieved her fame by demonstrating her lackluster sexual skills on a "private" home video distributed world-wide. In the video (yes, in my pursuit of truth, I watched several inspiring scenes) Ms Hilton maintains a sense of class conscious detachment while wearing only some really cool boots and an insertable portion of her boyfriend. 
None of us realized at the time that Ms Hilton would bring peace to war torn Iraq.  Not that she did this on purpose, but when she recently announced that she was not going to have sex for a year, the WORLD WAS STUNNED -- even more stunned than when THE WORLD saw that SHOCKING photo of Jen showing 1/2 of one breast!  Most of the world wouldn't know Jen if she were found floating in their bowl of rice -- you know, the bowl of rice they get to eat during their fifteen minute break from the sweat shop where they make 30 cents a week making gawd-awful expensive designer clothing sold on Rodeo Drive.
In Iraq however, to keep the populace from asking 'are we better off under American occupation and civil war than we were under our Saddam Hussein," the CIA is rumored to be distributing Paris Hilton Sex Vids!! Of course, with no electricity to power a VCR or DVD, and no water to clean up afterwords, it would seem a waste of effort. NO! The folks are so thrilled to know that a skinny blond can be born with so much money she doesn't know what the hell to do with it, can be famous for no reason, and still have a TV series, a musical career, an acting career, a top model career -- all for no other reason than she CAN because she's RICH and looks cute with her orifi (orifices?) plugged. This gives HOPE to the downtrodden Iraqi's -- they say, and rightfully so, "Allah has blessed the airhead heiress!"
Well, when word got out (falsly so) that PARIS HILTON said: "When Iraq has peace, they can all have a piece of me," the insurgents became turgid peaceniks. Guns went down in hopes of cute little Paris doing likewise.
President Bush, drop jawed with incredulity (a word with which he is unfamiliar), and recalcitrantly contumacious (two more words he doesn't know) immediately had Rumsfeld call Paris Hilton a "Neo Nazi Pudding Faced Charles DeGaule" (someone Paris never heard of)
The whole shebang will be analyzed later tonight on FAUX

LAUGH TILL YOU WET YOURSELF

My nephew, Tod Goldberg, makes me laugh so hard I about wet myself.
His rants about PARADE Magazine are priceless....PLEASE put on your Depends and read his latest diatribe.  

TRUE CRIME OR THEORY?

This news item exposes the danger to your academic career if you offer students stimulating thought and discussion on important issues.
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A tenured professor of psychology at the University of New Hampshire   believes an "elite" group within the federal government orchestrated   the September 11th attacks on America.

William Woodward has already raised that possibility in his classroom and later   this year hopes to teach a class that would explore Sept. 11th "in psychological   terms -- terms like belief, conspiracy, fear, truth, courage, group dynamics."

He may not get the chance. Several state leaders yesterday criticized Woodward   for bringing the radical theories into the classroom.

"In my view, there are limitations to academic freedom and freedom of   speech," said U.S. Sen. Judd Gregg, R-N.H.

"I believe it is inappropriate for someone at a public university which   is supported with taxpayer dollars to take positions that are generally an affront   to the sensibility of most all Americans," Gregg said.

Others were equally blunt.

New Hampshire Senate President Ted Gatsas, R-Manchester, a UNH alum, said,   "I would think the board of trustees and the acting president (of UNH)   would take a long, hard look at someone who advocates that kind of nonsense."

Sen. Jack Barnes, R-Raymond, said he's embarrassed the professor works at his   alma mater.

"I compare this guy with the idiots out there who say the Holocaust never   occurred," Barnes said.

"Maybe we'd better check the UNH budget very closely next year if they   have guys like that teaching our kids," Barnes said.

Woodward, an acknowledged member of several leftwing political action   groups, belongs to the Scholars for 9/11 Truth.

The group contends that "pods" attached to the jet airliners actually   steered planes into the Twin Towers and explosives planted inside the buildings   were then set off.

The group also has advanced various conspiracy theories about the assassination   of President John F. Kennedy.

The 9/11 Commission that investigated the terrorist attacks concluded 19 young   Arabs acting at the behest of Islamic extremists based in Afghanistan were responsible.

Woodward told the Sunday News he's convinced "there was a genuine conspiracy   on the part of insiders at the highest level of our government."

But in last week's interview, the Yale-educated professor said, "I am   very careful about what I offer to students.

"I just can't come across as having one strong position, even though in   my heart I do."

Woodward said he did raise the topic in his political psychology class last   spring semester, after showing the film "The Great Deception," He   offered the film "as a different perspective than you see in the mainstream."

One of the students in Woodward's political psychology class where the topic   came up was Zack Bazzi, a UNH psychology major and National Guardsman who served   in Iraq.

Bazzi said it was common for Woodward to share "different versions of   different events in history" in the upper-level course. "He certainly   doesn't try to indoctrinate the kids," he said. "He just puts it out   there."

"Do I agree with it? No. The overwhelming majority of the facts obviously   show that 9/11 was a terrorist act conducted by terrorists from Middle Eastern   backgrounds."

Bazzi said Woodward was "systematically careful" when he shared his   own, often controversial, views on any topic. "I will stress he would always   present this as his opinion, and he'll acknowledge it's controversial, he'll   acknowledge a lot of people think he's out there. Then he'll present it and   move on."

What did Woodward say about Sept. 11th? "From my recollection, he said   the government's theory on it is wrong and it's flawed and he thinks there are   alternative theories to be explored," Bazzi said. "From my recollection,   not one person in the class agreed with him."

Woodward said he hopes to develop a course that would explore Sept. 11th in   psychological terms. But because of the sensitive nature of the topic, he would   seek guidance from his department chairman and his dean before he proceeds.

Embracing such conspiracy theories about Sept. 11th is not constructive for   Americans who face a immediate threat from terrorists "who want to kill   Americans because they don't like us," Gregg said.

"It is insensitive, inappropriate and inexcusable to make such statements,"   he said, "and not far from making racist statements and using hate statements."

Sen. Barnes said, "He has got the right to say what he wants, but he is   so full of baloney."

Gatsas said he does not believe the Legislature would be mean-spirited enough   to punish the university through next year's budget. But he said, "People   from New Hampshire died in that event. It's important to preserve their memory.   This kind of thing is uncalled for."

Woodward doesn't hide his political views; he's a member of New Hampshire Peace   Action and several Seacoast groups that plan anti-war activities and question   the official story surrounding Sept. 11th. And he is currently awaiting trial   for criminal trespassing, after he and five others who call themselves "the   Dover Six" were arrested during a May sit-in at U.S. Rep. Jeb Bradley's   office to protest the Iraq war.

His Quaker tradition, Woodward said, compels him to "speak truth to power."

"I know there could be consequences, but if only more people would speak   out, then we would have a safer world," he said. "We need to be vigilant."

Former Gov. Walter Peterson, a University System of New Hampshire trustee,   said the professor, who has tenure protection, should not be fired.

According to the American Association of University Professors' policy on academic   tenure, a tenured professor can be terminated only for "adequate cause."

"I don't think trustees should be trying to influence professors and what   they say, but if it gets too bizarre, the division director or dean or, probably   more appropriately, the chairman of the department, should have a chat with   him," Peterson said.

As for Woodward's views on 9/11, Peterson said, "The most effective tactic   is to laugh it off. That's crazy.

"If a person can back that up with evidence and have a sound academic   reason, that's one thing," he said. "It sounds pretty far-fetched   for me."

Bazzi said professors like Woodward should not be censored for exposing students   to radical ideas. "It's America. It's a free country."

"He has the right to say his opinion but we have the right to disagree   with it."

And academic freedom is even more important at a publicly funded school like   UNH, "where most of us regular folks go that can't afford to go to private   schools," Bazzi said.

If you remove a professor such as Woodward for his controversial views on Sept   11th, he asked, "Where do you draw the line? It's a slippery slope. Somebody's   going to be offended by what another scholar says."

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THE BIG THRILL

     One question I'm often asked -- aside from "where do you get your ideas?" -- is "what's it like to be an author?"
That's rather like asking, "what is it like to be you?"  Well, I've always been me, so I have nothing to compare with the experience. As for being an author, the big thrill is actually holding the completed, published book in my hand. I will never forget the day my first book was published, and it arrived at my home. On the hardback spine were the words THE SAINT  BURL BARER.   The full title was on the front, and it is a long title...but seeing THE SAINT BURL BARER on a high quality hardbound book, library binding, fully illustrated was a source of joy and accomplishment for me.
It hasn't changed.  I feel that same sense of completion and reward each time I hold my latest book for the first time -- even STEALTH which I wrote in English but was published only in a Japanese translation. . And even though the publishers send me some promotional copies, I often find the book in the stores before my complimentary copies arrive -- so, I buy one, sit down, and read it.
In truth, I can't really read one of my books as if I hadn't written it for at least a year after it comes out -- it is still too fresh in my mind. You know, where I was when I wrote a certain page, or note a paragraph that I agonized over uselessly.
THE SAINT: A Complete History was written in so many ciities, on so many different computers, in many different programs: FIRST CHOICE ( dos)  LOTUS, WORD PERFECT, MSWORD, RTF, and whatever was available. Hence, each page reminds me of the place I sat, the comluter I used, the problems I faced, or the fun I had.
CAPTURE THE SAINT was written in such diverse locales as Burbank, California, Loon Lake, Washington, and mostly at my mother's condo in Seattle, Washington. A former newspaper woman, my mom would proofread each page, and encourage me with treats. "Give me ten more pages," said Mom, "and I'll give you a bowl of ice cream."  It worked.
Before you ask:, yes I will write more SAINT adventures --  two more novels are already envisioned, and some short stories...and that may just be the beginning. I love Simon Templar, and writing THE SAINT is a dream come true. For my true crime fans, I am about to do another one so hold on for that.
In the meantime, I'll be offereing some exclusive "on-line" only exclusives that you won't find anywhere else....so keep your computer tuned to this URL.

Best to you,
Burl

MY BROTHER'S BIRTHDAY

Today is my brother Stan's birthday. He is 67. That is impossible. He can't be that old. Really. He is Yell King at Walla Walla High School. He would be ROTC Cadet of the Year except last year Eddie Epstein got it and they "can't" have "two of your people" have it two years in a row.

He can't be 67.  Honest.  He goes to the University of Washington, plans on being a lawyer, and gets big sub sandwiches from Bluma Bros. deli at 23rd and Cherry.
He can't be 67.

Wait -- He's in Washington D.C. doing something with the Senate Commerce Committe with Senator Magnuson. Oh yeah, and working on Civil Rights legislation with Hubert Humphry.  Well, I know for a fact he dropped his new fishing pole in the lake when a bee flew in his face.
Oh, now I remember --  he's got some theory that the USA can have trade with China ...if the boat that arrives comes and goes without incident...or maybe his theory is that if he replaces lake fishing with fly fishing, he can slip on a rock and break his knee in a stream instead of losing his pole in a lake.

He can't be 67 because he just had his 50th birthday party. No, wait ....I just had my 59th birthday and he is 8 years older than I.
YIPES! He IS 67. Even his kids have kids. He is a GRANDFATHER. I mean, this guy is ready to be CARBON DATED.  He is almost a moss covered monument. And if you think that's something, our sister is even older.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, STAN!

LOAN IS A NOUN

LOAN IS A NOUN. LEND IS A VERB!
No one "loans" you money. They LEND you money.
The entire loan/lend corruption reached its peak when pawn shops began saying "we will loan you more money"
WHAT?????
How can they NOUN you?
They can verb you, but they can't noun you.
I'm not alone in my dismay over this corruption. A fellow blogger wrote:

when one points out that someone's misusing a word, suddenly everyone thinks they're an Oxford lexicographer, quite within their rights to discuss the morphological trends of the english lexicon, even though they generally don't know what lexica or morphology are, nor even realize that there are criteria for adopting a new denotation or slang trend.

You can LEND me all the money you want. I will appreciate the loan.

Get it? Got it. Good.

TRUE CRIME THREATS

Investigating a case as a possible true crime book does  not consist of throwing together old newspaper reports, and making copies of  trial transcripts. It involves painstaking research. At times, it can be downright dangerous.
As our publishers don't give us a research budget, all costs come out of our own pockets. Anytime we can get documents, transcripts, and other materials for free, we jump at the chance. I was thrilled when a contact just happened to have complete trial transcripts, plus private correspondence between the defendant and her attorney, including letters from two eye-witenesses to the murder  in which both of them recanted their testimony -- there was mounting proof that the "guilty murderer" was not even at the scene of the crime. . My contact, however, was under surveilence by the police because he was a forty year old black man married to a twenty year old white woman -- not an actual crime, but in that particular town, it was grounds for harrasment. .  When one particular officer saw me visiting this person, the cop freaked out, came to my home and threatened me. Why?  Because he was involved in some very shady deals himself, one of which had impacted the life of my contact, and mistakenly thought that I was in the process of exposing his misdeeds.  In truth, I didn't even know of his involvement in unpleasant matters until he tipped his hand.   As it turned out, he was later exposed by a citizen who videotaped him in the act of "misconduct.," and the imprisoned person was freed (after twenty years of incarceration) by the Governor.  I never wrote a book about this case -- too much time had passed, and innocent people being sent to prison in the USA is sadly not unusual. .
If you want to know what journalistic investigation of corruption is often really like -- to the extreme -- get the film "Edison Force" starring Morgan Freeman and Kevin Spacey.  Excellent movie, and not far fetched.  Really, there is something about having a big beefy man with a gun come to your home that tends to intimidate you.

"Gee Mom, it's a hand gun!"

Delta Airlines Nightmare

This "first draft" letter was composed by a fellow member of IAMTW (International Association of Media Tie-In Writers).  This is fact, not fiction. Read on:

Dear Sir or Madame,
Over the years, I’ve had the privilege of flying Delta to various destinations with minimal trouble. (pic of hot flight attendant is not in the letter -- I just put it here because...well, she's hot -- BB)

Unfortunately, my last flight was anything but smooth. In fact, it has been the single worst experience of my life as an airline passenger (counting my experiences aboard Egypt Air and Alitalia).

On August 13th, 2006 (a Sunday), I was waiting for Flight 5297 for a 5:10 PM departure from JFK. The trouble started with the late arrival of my flight and its delayed departure to 6:40 PM. The flight was then left sitting on the tarmac for an additional hour and a half, aboard a plane with little air conditioning. It was uncomfortable.
At first we were told that the baggage handlers were still loading the plane, but then the pilot informed us that they’d exceeded Federal regulations for their hours on duty. We were then told to return to the terminal. What bothers me about the incident so far is that I feel we were being deliberately delayed on the tarmac because Delta/Comair already knew they were canceling flight 5297.
After returning to the terminal, we were told that the next available flight was 8:50 AM Monday morning from LaGuardia, and that it would take too long to fly in a crew from Comair’s headquarters in Cincinnati. The problem here is that 1) the FAA requires the airline to have standby crews ready to fly planes in case of this very thing, and 2) Delta was responsible for flying us out on the soonest flight available (regardless of whether it was with a competing airline, not the soonest Delta flight).
Regardless, we were given a voucher for one night at the Ramada, a measly $7 meal voucher that covered half the cost of a Ramada sandwich, and we were told that transportation would take us to LaGuardia the next morning. We were then told to proceed to Baggage claim to reclaim our luggage.
After that we were, for all intents and purposes… abandoned. Only half the passengers received their luggage, while the other half were told their luggage would arrive in Montreal. The staff manning the Delta Baggage Claim booth had no idea what was going on, and only a woman named Mary proved to be anywhere near helpful. She was kind enough to provide me and a couple of other people with toiletry kits for the evening.
Delta/Comair did not provide a representative to handle transportation to the Ramada or from the Ramada to LaGuardia. Instead, I and two other passengers were left to handle the arrangements for a group of people that spoke little English. We had to call the Ramada ourselves to send enough transportation enough to pick up a plane full of people. That was your job, not ours. We had to escort everyone on the Air Train to the proper pick-up point. That was your job, not ours. We had to wait 45 minutes before the first shuttle appeared. After that, I had to help a mother carry her luggage because her hands were full with an exhausted infant. Again, not my job, but one I did gladly because Delta had failed its customers.
Once at the Ramada, the staff proved rude and unwilling to help (for which Ramada will receive a separate letter). I had to interpret French into English for several passengers, I had to assist a mother with her baby up to her room. I had to help an Israeli mother and son who spoke very little English in getting a room and arranging their wake-up call. And, to add insult to injury, Ramada informed us that there was only one shuttle to reach LaGuardia, and it left at 5:00AM in the morning. The staff at the Ramada was unwilling to help us arrange for more shuttles. Nobody from Delta had called them to tell them an entire planeload of passengers would need transportation and Ramada refused to call Delta to clear the matter. This wasn’t my job, but I did it because Delta/Comair left us adrift.
As a passenger, I had to tell people to get up early to catch the shuttle. I myself gave up my shuttle seat for passengers who didn’t understand English or weren’t carrying money. I and several passengers paid out of our own pockets for a taxi to reach LaGuardia.
Upon reaching the Delta terminal at LaGuardia, I met with more problems. All international flights were being routed through two or three ticket agents, one of whom took her time to engage in lengthy conversations with coworkers between each ticket. She didn’t even notice when someone flagrantly cut past the entire line and went to her for help. People were late for flights and every five minutes, more people were being shuttled to the head of the line, pushing those of us already waiting for an hour, further back. The excuse I was offered there was that Summer is always busy. Well if you know Summer is always busy, then why doesn’t Delta hire more staff for their peak periods?
After finally clearing through security, I arrived at the gate to discover that Flight 5006 out of LaGuardia was further delayed. Again, we sat in a stifling airplane for over 40 minutes, waiting to take off.
Finally, once in Montreal, I had to fill out a form for my lost luggage and assist those passengers who needed help. My luggage arrived Tuesday when I was told it would arrive for Monday afternoon.
All in all, I am horribly dissatisfied with the service I received from Delta and from Comair. I acted as the passenger representative that Delta should have provided, and I refuse to accept any excuses concerning how this was a Comair matter. I purchased my ticket through Delta, therefore it was your responsibility to handle the situation and to ensure your passengers suffered the lest amount of duress, not the most.
I am sorry to say that this experience has left such a foul taste in my mouth that I may never hire your airline again. I am even considering registering this complain through the FAA Consumer Hotline.
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Gee -- do you think he should complain???
duh.
Next time perhaps he should use an AEROCAR!!!
(click to enlarge photo)

FAKE NEWS PHOTOS!

If you can't trust the news, whom can you trust? Obviously you can't trust the news anymore -- it's pre-fab falsehoods, propoganda, and manifpulative B.S.

If you have any doubts, check out this excellent expose of fake news photographs from "reputable" news sources.

Hell, I'm still irked about "Remember the Maine" -- the so-called bombing of the Maine got us into the Spanish-American War. Turns out no one bombed the Maine.  Then we had the Gulf of Tonkin incident that got us into Vietnam War...turns out their was no such thing. It was fake.  What else has been lies?  Probably just about everything lately. 

From the NY Times:  "Washington has been roiled by revelations that a handful of columnists wrote in support of administration policies without disclosing they had accepted payments from the government. But the administration's efforts to generate positive news coverage have been considerably more pervasive than previously known. At the same time, records and interviews suggest widespread complicity or negligence by television stations, given industry ethics standards that discourage the broadcast of prepackaged news segments from any outside group without revealing the source.

MURDER FOR A NEW BIKE

It suddenly occured to me in a blaze of brilliance that if I don't write a book in English this year, my glorious literary career will come to a screeching halt. Hence, I sent off a proposal actually written a year ago that I never felt was "quite right." Guess what? Yes, my previous publisher wants another book from me, and thinks this true story is appropriately disgusting:

Mom promises her 13 year old daughter a new bike if the kid and her little pals willl murder mom's boss. Who can resist an offer such as that? The mom, Barbara Opel, had a way with kids -- and a way with homicide.

“After the murder,” said Sgt. Bryant, “Barbara Opel sent her 11-year-old son upstairs to get sheets to wrap around the body, then made the boy and her 7-year-old daughter clean up the bloody mess.” Opel and all the kids carted Heimann's body in a wheelbarrow to a car, then used mops, sponges, and bleach to clean up the blood and brains. “ They poured acid on Heimann’s face to conceal his identity, then dumped the body beside a road outside of town on the nearby Tulalip Indian Reservation.

If we cut the deal next week, I will officially be a working author once again.