Crime Expert BURL BARER. Edgar Award Winner and NYT Bestselling Author

Jesus goes to Hollywood

With Christmas almost upon us, I note that the networks really don't haul out the Jesus movies until Easter.  Oh, we will get some nativity stuff...baby Jesus riding on a Noreclo Electric Razor... but the Life of Jesus mini-series is not a December event.  The excellent movie where British actor Robert Powell plays Jesus was originally supposed to star Dustin Hoffman, but the studio said he was too Jewish.  In fact, has any Jewish actor ever portrayed Jesus? Usually it is  a very nordic looking guy. Well, there is a new movie where Jesus is Black. This really makes more sense than Nordic as research confirms that Old Testament prophets were undoubtedly of African heritage, and DNA tests now show Africans and descendents of the ancient Jews are definately closely related.  Try getting a black jew okayed to play Jesus next Easter and see how far you get.

If I were OJ Simpson

If I were OJ, I would sue every motor-mouth talk show host and ranting commentator who calls me a murderer or a killer.  GET A CLUE!  This is America. The man was found NOT GUILTY.  Period.  Case closed.

The prosecution FAILED to establish guilt beyond a reasonable doubt. The Jury acquited him. NOT GUILTY.  Two important words, folks. NOT GUILTY.

If you were charged with murder, insisted you didn't do it, and (thank God) the jury agreed and found you NOT GUILTY, you would be pretty damn irked that millions of people talk about you as if you were guilty. 

I'm surprised OJ has put up with this crap as well as he has.  Plus, he has to deal with the family of Ron Goldman going after him in CIVIL court, where no one has to prove anything beyond a reasonable doubt. Civil court is NOT criminal court.

The man is NOT a criminal. He is not a convicted felon. He was exhonerated 100%.

I think whomever is handling his career is doing a poor job -- he should have been back in the movies and back in TV right away...if he could get the gigs.

Ask yourself this:  Is Robert Blake going through the same hell as OJ? Robert Blake was found not guilty of killing his wife.  From everything I've read about her, I'm surpised that he didn't kill her....any man would be hard pressed to control himself in the face of her horrid behaviour.

Had Blake allowed a book entitled "I WISH I HAD KILLED THE BITCH" to be ghostwritten, would there be this same outrage? If not, why not?

Gee, do you think it has anything to do with.....

TERRORIST PLOT UNCOVERED AND COVERED UP.

An enormous hoard of illegal explosives, plus a rocket launcher and a "master plan" document for terrorist acts were recently uncoverd in a UK residence -- but you didn't read about it on the front page of any newspaper, nor did you see it on TV.
Why not? Because the charged culprits were were right-wing British Christians, not Middle Eastern Muslims.  <gasp>
Had the terrorists been named Abdul or Hamid instead of Reggie and Nigel, you better believe it would have been hot news.

THE FAMOUS JOEY FAYE STORY

This is the famous and 100% true Joey Faye story -- an anecdote illustrating the pretzel logic often encountered in show biz.

Famed comic Joey Faye reads a classfied avertisement in Backstage, a weekly industry paper, announcing that an off-Broadway production is seeking, among others,  a "Joey Faye" type.  As he IS Joey Faye, Joey heads on down to the audition, walks in and proclaims, "Well, here I am."
"Who are you," asks the casting director.
"I'm Joey Faye, and I'm here to audition for the Joey Faye role."
The casting director looks him over carefully, then says, "I'm sorry. You're not the right type."
"But the ad says you want a Joey Faye type, is that right?"
"Yes, we want a Joey Faye type."
"Well, I AM Joey Faye!"
"You're the wrong type."
"Joey Faye is the wrong type for a Joey Faye type?"
"Listen, you are not the right type, no matter who you are!"
"IM JOEY FAYE!"
"Not in this production, you're not. Face it buddy - you simply are not the Joey Faye type."
Joey, somewhat dazed, went home without even getting the opportunity to audition for the part.
Yes, it sounds like  "Who's on FIrst" but it is not a sketch, it is real life.
Go figure.
Sorta like when Al Jolsen entered an Al Jolsen impersonation contest and came in fifth place.

THANKSGIVING AGAIN

Every year I miss even more the Thanksgiving get-togethers we used to have twenty years ago when my folks were in Palm Springs. My brother, sister, and all our kids would gather together either at my sister's place, or my mom's condo, and eat till we dropped -- then eat more of all those pies!  The kids were sooo young -- and it was all just so enjoyable for me.

Mom is now 94, and most of the "kids" of her kids have families of thier own, or no longer all travel to the same place to eat the same food.

They miss the "old days" too.  There is something about childhood memories that are the best. My childhood memories about Thanksgiving are of huge dinners at my Aunt and Uncle's house in Walla Walla. My most vivid "holiday" memories are of Passover in Spokane, Washington at my grandparents. After dinner, we would eventually wind up in the den where there would be "Chicago Rasslin" on my Grandpa's black and white TV. Man Mountain Dean and Gorgeous George are as much a part of my Passover memories as the Four Questions.

Strange thing about "The Holidays" -- I have always loved them as they provided, via tradition, such a comfortable space of predictable food and experience. Not now. The Passover dinners at my Grandparents ended when I was in 6th grade and my Nana passed away; the traditional Norwegian Christmas with my now ex-in-laws ended after almost thirty years.  Even my own invention -- a family tradition of Gummy Fish strung about the house for the Birthday of Baha'u'llah is relegated to "remember when?"  We made our own family traditions for the kids, but family traditions require both the family and the traditions.

So, this Thanksgiving six of us will pick up dinner to go from Albertsons and thankfully share it together. A year ago, I didn't know four of the six.  I am thankful that I have people who want to share Thanksgiving with me, thankful for so many things.  Things could be worse. I know that.  I am thankfull for all the Thanksgivings I had with my parents, my siblings, my kids, and cousins and nieces and nephews. All the years that we thought would go on forever, the lazy days and long nights, midnight raids on the kitchen and all that stuff.

I hope your Thanksgiving, whatever it is, gives you the opportunity to remember how blessed you have been in the past, even if you didn't know it, and how blessed you are in the present, even if you don't appreciate it.

TRUTH, FICTION, MARK FUHRMAN and CHARLES DICKENS

Contemporary authors often find themselves in the uncomfortable position of defending the accuracy of their fiction, while true crime writers of dubious repute (not me) publish nonsense as if it were well-researched and factual. 

I've never met Mark Fuhrman, author of Murder in Spokane, but I wrote a book, Body Count, about the same case.  I devoted a full year to intensive research and interviews, pouring over police reports and internal communications of the Homicide Task Force.  My book is, above all, accurate and correct in its portrayal of the crimes, the investigation, the errors and victories of the Task Force assigned to catch the Spokane serial killer. 


Fuhrman's book is woefully inaccurate, even devoting an entire chapter to the significance of the placement of two bodies at a dump site -- and his description of the placement is completely wrong.  Did anyone complain? Yes. The Homicide Task Force was outraged and furious, but the book still sold like cotton candy at the State Fair.  My book, Body Count, continues to sell well also, so it's not a case of "sales envy" that prompts me to bring up this issue.   More people complain about inaccuracy, or supposed inaccuracy, in fiction than they do about errors in non-fiction.  This is nothing new. Even Charles Dickens had to deal with it.  Dickens used Spontaneous Human Combustion to kill off a character named Krook in his novel Bleak House. Krook was a heavy   alcoholic, true to the popular belief at  the time that SHC was caused by   excessive drinking. The novel caused a minor uproar; George Henry Lewes, philosopher and critic, declared that SHC was impossible, and derided Dickens' work as perpetuating an uneducated superstition. Dickens responded to this statement in the preface of the 2nd edition of his work, making it quite clear that he had researched the subject and        knew of about thirty cases of SHC. The details of Krook's death in Bleak House were directly modeled on the details of the death of the Countess Cornelia de Bandi Cesenate by this extraordinary means; the only other case that Dickens actually cites is the Nicole Millet account that inspired another book about 100 years earlier.

I

Burl Barer in the movies #2

Ok - my first starring role (because YOU asked for it!) I played the killer in "The Black and Decker Hedgetrimmer Murders." In this clip, the cops find my wife's headless corpse in the trash. I adlibed my way through this confrontation with the cops. Directed by Karl Krogstad.

Burl Barer in the Movies

Some of my loyal readers were recently shocked when they discovered that the International Movie Database lists Burl Barer as an actor! Was I really in a movie? Did I actually have dialog?  Yes, 'fraid so.  OK, I am only in one scene of the low-budget action flick, THE LAST RIDE, and even I didn't see it until recently.  I'll save you the trouble of digging up the entire film just to see me --- here I am with an interesting haircut portraying a parole board officer in the action pic, THE LAST RIDE -- for some reason, the audio is not synced to the video -- its ok on the film, but not on this clip after it was uploaded... some techie can probably explain that:

FAKE CRIME SCENES

It looked like suicide, but it was murder.

A construction worker confessed to killing indie actress Adrienne Shelly, whose death was first thought to be suicide, cops said.

"I was having a bad day," Diego Pillco, 19, allegedly told cops. "I didn't mean to kill her. But I did kill her."

He also supposedly dragged her body into her apartment, and tried to make it look as if she hanged herself from the shower rod.

Cops matched footprints from his sneakers -- prints found on her toilet seat and in the apartment downstairs where he was working.

Creating "fake" crime scenes to fool investigators is so common, there are now classes in how to spot a fake crime scene. The expert on the subject is Brent Turvey.

Mr. Turvey has participated as a forensic scientist and /or criminal profiler in the investigative or trial phase for both law enforcement and attorney clients around the World. The greatest volume of his casework has focused on the examination and interpretation of physical and behavioral evidence relating to the following:

• Sexual assault/ rape (including false reports)
• Serial rape
• Domestic homicide
• Staged crime scenes
• Robbery/burglary homicide
• Sexual homicide
• Serial homicide

Mr. Turvey has qualified in court as an expert in the areas of Criminal Profiling, Criminal Investigation, Crime Scene Analysis, Crime Reconstruction, Offender Signature Analysis, Offense Motivation, Staged Crime Scenes, and Victimology. Mr. Turvey continues to consult with private individuals, attorneys and law enforcement agencies in both criminal and civil matters. ....and he is FUNNY!

How do I know that? Because Brent and I have chatted on the telephone a couple of times, and he is one quick-witted character.   

Yes, Turvey "wrote the book" on Criminal Profiling, and he also wrote the book on rape investigation techniques.  Adding Brent Turvey's books to your library is a wise investment -- get them all, but not until you have completed your Burl Barer library, ok?

GHOST WRITING AND PANTIES

All this time I thought faithful readers of my blog really wanted more information about writing, ghost writing, editing, literature, etc.....but NO...according to DogsDontPurr, you want to see scantily clad pictures of my g/f!  Well, you are NOT going to see those. If you want to see scantily clad maidens there are plenty of places you can go -- such as dogsdontpurr.com where the lovely diminutive hostess of that wonderful site will only charge you FIVE DOLLARS for exciting photos of her "sans top" -- now, I have not spent the FIVE DOLLARS (yet) as my memory of having seen a revealing pic of her about fifteen or so years ago has more megapixels than any current camera....but as I become increasingly senile, I may need a memory refresher...so, don't destroy the negatives!
Meanwile, on the IMPORTANT  news front, I am going to ghostwrite a novel for someone who wishes they were a writer. Heck, the quickest way to become a writer is to hire one.  I will do a good job, and we will both be happy.  Now, for those of you dieing to see my g/f model the Suzanne Somers FAUX CASHMERE sweater...here ya go: