Crime Expert BURL BARER. Edgar Award Winner and NYT Bestselling Author

EMAIL FRAUD CHAIN LETTER -- Write your own, I did!

In this day and age, absurd nonsense worthy of Saturday Night Live such as "death panels," and frauds such as the fake "Kenya birth certificate," are swallowed whole by  fearful citizens manipulated by immoral pundits and asshat politicians. Thankfully there are sources of fact and accuracy ever ready to reveal the "real truth" and point out the real danger facing our great nation which you and I both know is....

MEXICAN JEWS INVADE AMERICA

 -- Hollywood Liberals Encourage Wetback Assault.

"Think of the Rio Grande as the Red Sea, Mexican slave labor as the Children of Israel, and you get the picture," said a famous researcher in a letter to an obscure Governor. "DNA studies show the largest number of genetic Jews in America are Mexicans living in Texas, Arizona and New Mexico. You bet those Hollywood Liberals -- bagel biting bastards all -- want more and more of their fellowZionists over running our fields, contaminating our produce, and infiltrating our fruit. Do you think the recent outbreak of deadly lettuce virus is an accident of nature?  While their Yiddish spouting co-conspirators diverted our attention with dirty movies and race music, the Ladino speaking Sephardi faction of this conspiracy was communicating with their south of the border minions, plotting this Jewish Mexican Invasion to steal all the low paying jobs, and secure positions of power as undocumented domestics in secretive sweat shops where, their evil plotting obscured by the constant drone of sewing machines and the cracking of whips, the clever Jews advance their plan of world domination."

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The above assertions are absurd. This is satire. Feel free to send on to everyone and see how many idiots take it seriously.

Psychology of Hate: This Should be Required Viewing

IDENTITY PEGS

One of life’s peculiar characteristics is its uncanny ability to imitate art.  That’s why they call it “life,” trust me on this.   My daughter, Anea, and I were having this deep erudite and cookie fueled conversation about “identity pegs” – you know, people pegging their identity, self worth, etc to absurd reference points.

  Example:: people who identify themselves as  PS or PK.  This one really irritates me, especially when they tell the sordid story of how they “came out” to their parents.

  “I was 14 when I told my dad that I was definitely a PSer, not a PKer.  At first he was shocked, perhaps disappointed, but he accepts me as I am.” 

What a bunch of crap.   Anyone who defines him or herself as PS or PK has no idea who they are as a human being on planet earth.  Personally, I’m a PKer. Not that I haven’t had PSer leanings of occasion, but I wouldn’t call myself  PS/PK, dualP, or the latest euphemism, Multi-P.  If you stop and think about it, Multi-P could embrace all manner of P, some of them involving generational issues. 

Yes, there are people who identify themselves as PNG 0verall, with a PG subtext.  I have yet to hear some woman tell me “I decided I was PNG the moment I hit puberty” or some whiney guy gush how he is really happy being PG. 

Listen to me: NO ONE CARES EXCEPT OTHER SK SP PG or PNG freaks.   Damn. Get a clue!   
Don't define your reality by whether or not you  Prefer Spock, Prefer Kirk, or Prefer Next Generation.  If you’re going to be that absurd, you might as well define yourself by your sexual preferences, the preferred gender of your co-participants,and any particular affinity for manufactured items designed for orifice insertion -- by far, the least useful identity pegs of all.  HINT: Peg your identity to spiritual, moral, and/or ethical qualities. This is far more advantageous to you in the long run, and is far less likely to stimulate an identity crises.

MARGO THINKS I AM OBESE

Margo Swenson has sent me five emails today, and I have never heard of her in my life. Not only that, but dear Margo thinks I am OBESE and  emotionally distressed about it.   

Margo had the nerve to write: "We know you hate the extra pounds, the ugly look and the social stigmata attached to fat people. Moreover, you can barely do anything about the appetite."

Did YOU tell Margo that I was fat? C'mon fess up. Someone told Margo that I was obese, unhappy, and stuffed myself all day long as I watched Dr. Phil and his lil' spinner of a cutsey-poo spouse.

Well, Margo is right about one thing -- I do hate the social stigma attached to "fat people."  I am not obese, in fact I tend to be svelt and slender.  I'm 6'2" and weight 195 lbs.  Yes, tall dark and handsome. If I were 295 lbs would that make a difference in the value of my personal reality? Nope.

People who have significant difficulty with their weight don't need to feel worse because of Margo's unsolicited emails....oh, but Margo has a message -- she wants me to BUY SOMETHING..She wants me to buy Anatrim.

Margo, if you were a real person, which you are not,  I would answer your email and tell you where to stuff your Anatrim. Instead I am sending Margo a bill for $500.00   You see, under the law, I can charge a $500 evaluation and storage fee for unsolicited commercial emails sent to www.burlbarer.net.  I have been sending out bills to spammers but so far, none of them have paid up.

All those who think I should turn Margo over for collection if she doesn't pay in 90 days, say "aye."